New Years Eve

A time to celebrate right?

I am stuck at home, wishing I was somewhere else and not sitting in my bedroom pouring my depression into this. I started crying today. I never cry, I made it a rule not to let myself cry about anything, just hold it up, and move on, read, play my guitar, play online games, hang out with family... But today, after literally getting all dolled up and ready to go out and celebrate with my best friend, who I'm now considering to just see her as a "mutual acquaintance" has ditched me, because she wants to be alone with her boy toy. My cousin is spending the new year with his girlfriend; I remembered when having my ex over was just enough for me to enjoy myself, and tears just welled up in my eyes. I went to my room, grabbed my most comfortable clothes, and took a shower, crying the entire time. I'm alone.

There's nothing to do. My mom and my cousin went to go pick up my cousin's girlfriend, who lives (literally) fifty miles away. They're going to spend ONE night together, and then she's going back, like nothing. They literally see each other about 4 times a month. I have no doubt that she's cheated on him; the way she looks at me, and around at everyone, like she's nervous, is enough for me to think something like that.

I wish I was in England; there's always something to do in that country, especially in London. I hate being in stupid America, with its hypocrisy and its disrespect for people it doesn't understand. That's it, though. I'm leaving, soon as I get some work experience and my degree, to England, whether its tilting or not, friendless or not, BROKE or not. Its literally what would make me happy: to get as far away from all of this as possible. And for me to want to go to a place who's economy is deeper down in the shithole than America is saying something.

I wish I wasn't the one to speak up. I lost 10 friends, that were all with me and at least pretended they cared for me as much as I did for them. Let me give you their names:

Ivan Carbajal, who laughed when I told him a guy I'd gone on a date with tried to take advantage of me, also my ex. Current Date rapist.

Domingo Guerrero, the expert liar. All his friends have no idea that I know something personal, that shouldn't have even been mentioned to me, about them. He is the ultimate deceiver. He was my "best friend" but was secretly telling people not to talk to me.

Robert, I don't consider a friend at all; he added me on MySpace today and I sent him a friendly message, but I didn't pour my thoughts out. He likes to talk. And lie. And exaggerate. That's why I can't talk to:

David Meza and April Meza: David fell for Domingo and Ivan's bullshit and April didn't stand up for me when the rumor was spread that I tried to get her drunk after she had her baby. According to Domingo, April is a compulsive liar and a tease, cry baby, bitch, ruined David's life... David is Domingo's right hand man.

Felipe Contreras: is a total sweetheart. He didn't stop talking to me, but he doesn't invite me to go places and hang out. But he's falling for it too.

Heriberto: Still talks to me, but we're not friends like we used to be. I can't got to his house because if Domingo and Ivan show up, I'll lose control and punch someone.

German : German at first was neutral, and talked to everyone, not caring that there was a rift anywhere. But after a few months, he just...stopped talking to me. He's Heriberto's best friend, but... yeah.

Eziel: Now, according to Domingo, she's not bitchy, or a cry baby, or anything like that. She's just stupid, because she had sex with her boyfriend while her family was still in their house. Didn't think I'd ever know that.

Ever: bought into their crap. He was the one who stayed up with me LAST new years eve, on messenger, and was one of the closest friends I had. He bought. Into. Their crap.


They all live (except for Eziel) in East Los Angeles. If you see them or know them, make sure at least that Eziel, April, and David all know what Domingo really thinks of them.

And this is boredom at its best...

I've been in a rut this entire year, save for the one day when I wrote a novel, finishing it at 5am and walking around like a zombie for the rest of the day thinking about seriously publishing it. A friend read it- a good friend, one that wouldn't laugh at my sex scene- and she thought it was really good. She reads Stephen King, Stephenie Meyer, and Anne Rice, and she fell for a story about two outcasts falling in love and the things that come with it.

I had a blog on LiveJournal, but I forgot how to get into it, and here we are. Same old Umbrellahead, writing to herself. The reason people nicknamed me Umbrellahead is because of the songby the same name by a band I'm currently obsessed with, The Mystery Jets. I cried when I first read the lyrics and heard the song, as I was thinking about things that were similar to what whoever actually wrote the song was thinking about. After that, the name sort of stuck. I prefer it to the plant I'm named after.

I'm looking forward to 2009. Bush- The- Retard won't be in power anymore, and we can finally think positive, even if we are in a recession. Right now I'm completely groggy. They have me on anxiety pills for my sleep paralysis (recent drama- moving- friends betraying me: develop an anxiety disorder and make your sleep paralysis worse :] ) and one of the side effects is drowsiness. Since my hypothyroidism already makes me drowsy, well, you can imagine what it's like talking to me.

They're also considering the idea that I might have very light dyspraxia. I believe them- something has to be affecting my speech (I slur my words when I talk and can't get the words out fast enough) and my memory, my hand eye coordination (I'm a complete klutz) and my ability to follow orders that aren't written down. Say if someone tells me "Wash dishes", and then comes and tells me "Clean the bathroom, too", I'll clean the bathroom and forget to wash the dishes. And get yelled at.

I'm 19 and just now finding out that I might be slightly retarded.

Cheers.